Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
