I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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