like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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