I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
