I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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