They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
