After last night, I could never be a politician.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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