Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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