I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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