Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
