Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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