I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
