I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
