Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
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So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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