I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
