Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
