I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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