the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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