I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
