Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
