Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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