Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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