Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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