Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
