The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
