i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
