Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
