Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
