my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize