an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
