i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
