My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
