im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
