38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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