I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
