I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
