She tied me up with her honor cords...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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