Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
