One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
