My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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