This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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