Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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