Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
