i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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