i already hear my dad disowning me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just tell him i said nine months
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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