Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
