If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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