can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Michael Bay diarrhea
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
