Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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