if only i could text you this smell
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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