Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
