Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
