that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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