so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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